I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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