those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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