I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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