I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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