I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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