Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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