my phone needs a breathalizer
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
