Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
