I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
