The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
