Your dad touched me again.
she woke up with a sticky ear
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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