And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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