Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
