I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
