first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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