Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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