If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
