you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
