I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
