Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Omg I joined a choir last night...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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