I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
