I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
we should paint friendship bongs
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
