Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
