He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
