I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
