Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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