No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
