you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
