All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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