Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
