Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
