The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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