I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
