I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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