she was so not down for the gang bang
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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