god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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