i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
