your room smells of hookers.
And success
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
