I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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