someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
fuck your aforementioned shoe
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
