he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
