Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
