This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
