Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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