Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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