her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
