I want to make a zoo with you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
