Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
