bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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