One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
