i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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