I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
